Playboy Magazine Interview with God

PLAYBOY MAGAZINE INTERVIEW WITH GOD
Written By Anonymous Charles in 2013.

PLAYBOY MAGAZINE: What is your opinion of Life?

GOD, HIMSELF: It needs more art.

PLAYBOY: Sistine Chapel, fella. Ever heard of it?

GOD: No. Not about me. You guys trying to paint me as an asshole, are you?

PLAYBOY: No, but that is a great idea for next month. Painted assholes.

GOD: Next.

PLAYBOY: Was Steve Martin ever funny?

GOD: Steve Martin was very funny. It's a sad statement about Hollywood when Steve Martin is used to destroy Peter Sellers and downgrade Queen Latifah, the actress, not Queen Latifah the rapper.

PLAYBOY: And then "Walk Like an Egyption" a few years later? The Bangles? Really?

GOD: That song is funny to me on a lot of levels. And if you have a problem with Susanna Hoffs, you have a problem with me.

PLAYBOY: I like- We here at Playboy Magazine have nothing bad to say about Susanna Hoffs.

GOD: I'm just saying, that woman is a work of art.

PLAYBOY: Very attractive.

GOD: You're me-damn right, she is.

PLAYBOY: But still, there was a lot of Egyptian stuff in the 80's.

GOD: I don't decide that kind of thing. I just enjoy it. Coincidences aren't always miracles.

PLAYBOY: I'm just gonna say it. What's your favorite kind of porn?

GOD: Tentacle rape.

PLAYBOY: Japanese?

GOD: The Japanese animate anything. They just love it. It's what they were meant to do.

PLAYBOY: You made each country good at something?

GOD: That's the simplest way to put it. Not really, but okay. To what end? The Chinese build robots. Canadians fart a flower-scented mist. Australians and New Zealanders are the only people who can physically hear the difference between their accents. Everyone else who claims 'they can too' is lying. I made the world so that groups of people would lean geographically towards certain goals.

PLAYBOY: What are Americans most likely kind of going to be sorta the frontrunners in?

GOD: Consumerism. Consumption. Prepositions at the ends of sentences. That old bag.

PLAYBOY: Did Asa Barber make it to Heaven?

GOD: Oh. You can't really ask that.

PLAYBOY: Free will.

GOD: Look, Asa's definitely in Hell. But I disagreed with that decision. I liked him.

PLAYBOY: If you disagreed, then why isn't he in Heaven?

GOD: Ah, there's a whole bureaucracy to it. Lots of red tape. It's not exactly my call. It just doesn't work the way you think it does. He was a great writer, though.

PLAYBOY: I wouldn't have thought you had to answer to anyone.

GOD: Who doesn't have a boss, right?

PLAYBOY: You're kind of blowing my mind.

GOD: That sounds tough. Look, you want me to keep talking down to you? Are these all music questions?

PLAYBOY: Which sexiest playmate of the year--

GOD: Stop.

PLAYBOY: --was your favorite?

GOD: Stop.

PLAYBOY: But let's stick to the 80's.

GOD: You're going to waste the one interview you get with God on questions pertaining to my opinion of pop culture?

PLAYBOY: Fine then. What's up with the Ten Commandments?

GOD: Sham. Fake. Couple of matchstick men. Didn't Charlton Heston go crazy? I think things like having the best career ever in your forties to being a nut-job in your eighties are all about balance. That's always been my process. Do I wanna focus the happy into eight little 3 year spans? Or do I wanna sprinkle some anger into every week? It's an approach. I'm not saying I made the best people, I'm just made some people, you know?

PLAYBOY: Time travel?

GOD: Happens every day.

PLAYBOY: Is that semantics?

GOD: Next.

PLAYBOY: How do you deal with atheism? Does it rile you?

GOD: It's a Love-Hate relationship. Sometimes, heck, I wish there were more of 'em. Just to make it quieter at night, you know? I need a little sleep. Ya'll were all in one place in the beginning, but then half of you drifted to the other side of the planet. Whew. I been going on naps for eons.

PLAYBOY: They say that's healthier. The sleep pattern, um, sleep schedule stuff.

GOD: It's livable. Not my fave.

PLAYBOY: What's your favorite invention of the last fifty thousand years?

GOD: Collection plates.

PLAYBOY: So, for the record, you are for religious fundraising?

GOD: Look. I'm here. It would be awful if I wasn't and they were collecting for me anyway, that would be terrible. But I'm here! And sure, they use a lot of that money to build bigger castles, trying to get my attention while I work in mysterious ways, it's a little grotesque, but there's some clothes and food for poor people in that cash.

PLAYBOY: So you're okay with money?

GOD: I don't make those decisions. I just watch. I'm surprised it's lasted this long, really. Another thing about the collection plates; there's cash for paying the church employees, making sure some archbishop shirks his duty to worship me over money. They think they're clever, you know. Like I don't see it. But, I never say anything.

PLAYBOY: Would you say you're passive-aggressive?

GOD: I would say that I'm aggressively passive.

PLAYBOY: Gonna be hard to argue with that.

GOD: I don't do confrontation. Never saw that as a route to success.

PLAYBOY: Well, God, it's been great. Final thoughts?

GOD: Elephants and dolphins are sentient. Just like you guys. Think about that.

PLAYBOY: Weird. It's like, anytime someone out there speaks on behalf of God, they just kind of say whatever they want.

GOD: And why should I be any different? Peace.